meanestbear

Russ tapped his foot impatiently inside the truck’s cab, and poked his head out the window to look skyward again.  Explodington was late.  A rustling sound behind him caught his attention, and he climbed quietly out of the truck and tiptoed around to the back.  Inside was a handsome Teutonic-looking man wearing a leather jacket and a hat, with a whip attached to his belt.  He looked up at Russ.

“Bavaria Schmidt!” said Russ.  “We meet again.”

Bavaria slowly held up his hands and a roguish smile crept over his face.  “Ianniello.  I should have known.”

“Let me guess,” said Russ, mentally going over the inventory of what they had recovered and placed in the truck.  “You’re after the Shroud of Turin, the historically significant religious artifact that everyone knows about.”

“You got me,” said Bavaria.  “So what do we do now?”

“I should probably shoot you,” said Russ.  “But instead, I’m going to keep talking for a while.  What is a shroud, anyway?”

“Well,” said Bavaria, “a shroud is…” With a sudden movement, he threw a handful of dirt at Russ’s face, grabbed the shroud, and started running.  Russ recovered and hurried after him.

A massive shadow suddenly covered the whole area, due to the large zeppelin arriving.  It was covered with a gratuitous amount of gadgets and dials.

“Explodington!” said Russ.

Ropes dropped down from all sides, and British commandos shimmied down them, cutting off Bavaria’s escape.

“The British!” hissed Bavaria, daunted.  “Why did it have to be the British?”

Lord Explodington himself descended and strode up to the now-restrained Bavaria Schmidt.  “I believe you have something of mine, Mr. Schmidt.”

Bavaria clung tightly to the Shroud of Turin.  “It belongs in a museum!”

“Your mom belongs in a museum,” said Russ, and the German archaeologist had no answer for that.

“Now, now, Mr. Schmidt,” said Lord Explodington, tapping the tips of his fingers together.  “Turn over the Shroud peacefully and no one needs to get hurt.”

“You have no idea what you’re dealing with!” said Bavaria Schmidt.  “You want to use the Shroud’s powers for yourself, but it will end up being your doom!”

“It has powers?” asked Russ.

“I didn’t know that,” said Lord Explodington.  “I was just going to turn it over to the boys in London, but now that you mention it has powers, I guess we might as well check them out.”

“I’ll never lead you there,” said Bavaria.

“Where?” asked Lord Explodington.

“The place where you have to use the Shroud of Turin to unleash its powers.”

“Oh, you know where to do that?” said Lord Explodington.

“That’s pretty convenient,” said Russ.

“But I’ll never tell you where it is,” said Bavaria.

A shot rang out, and one of the British commandos toppled over like a tree, landing with a thud.  All guns turned toward the source of the shot.  Three of the commandos broke off and ran toward the rocky area it had come from, and came back hauling a spirited and struggling young woman.

“Ach!  Johanna!” cried Bavaria Schmidt.  “You monsters!  Let her go!  She’s got nothing to do with this.”

“She shot one of my men,” Lord Explodington pointed out.

“Get your hands off of me, you dirty limeys!” said the woman, still struggling valiantly.

“Take her to the airship,” said Lord Explodington, pointing upward with a commanding finger, and the men dragged her off.

“What are you going to do to her?” asked Bavaria, wild-eyed.

“We are going to feed her tea and crumpets, and teach her to enunciate like a civilized person.”

“You monsters!” shouted the archaeologist.

Explodington folded his arms impassively.

“Tea-drinkers!” Johanna cursed as she was taken away.  “Scone munchers!  Fog-breathers!”  She was hauled up into the belly of the airship and her curses faded to silence.

“Now, then,” said Explodington.  “Where do we take the Shroud to?  Don’t lie to me, or I won’t allow your woman to brush her teeth.”

“You animals!” growled Bavaria.  His eyes moved from one to the other, looking for a way out.  Resigned at last, he sighed.  “All right,” he said.  “It’s in Africa.  The temple is in Africa.”

“Excellent,” said Explodington, rubbing his hands together.  “Off we go then.”  He nodded to his men, and with Bavaria Schmidt bound hand and foot, they ascended back up to the airship.  “Pilot, set course for Africa,” said Explodington, and the airship began to move.

Five minutes later, they landed in Africa.

The Shroud of Turin was lowered slowly by a pulley, and placed onto the bed of a large cart.

“Careful now,” said one of the men.  “Careful.”  Two of the men put their hands on the Shroud of Turin to steady it while four others put their shoulders to the cart and pushed it forward.

“You’ll never get away with this,” said Bavaria.

“That’s a very negative attitude,” said Russ, pushing the archaeologist forward at gunpoint.  “If no one ever believed they would get away with things, they’d never get away with things.  You won’t get anywhere without confidence.”  They arrived shortly at the ruins of a large ancient temple, inscribed with strange carvings that looked rather like dinosaurs.

“Stay here,” said Lord Explodington to the men.  “The three of us will go on ahead.”  He picked up the Shroud of Turin and tucked it into a pocket.  “There’s probably traps,” he said to Russ and Bavaria as they entered the door.  “Who wants to go first?”

“Not it,” said Bavaria Schmidt.

“Not it,” said Lord Explodington.

“Well - dammit,” said Russ.  He stepped on ahead, while Lord Explodington took his place and held a rocket launcher to the captive’s back.

Almost immediately, Russ hit a tripwire and a great stone block came crashing down from above, smashing him.  “OH GOD DAMN THAT HURTS!” he yelled, muffled, from beneath.  Very slowly, the block rose and toppled over to the side, and a battered looking Russ rose, limping.  “Gotta give me a minute here,” he said, and leaned against a wall.

“But - how did that not kill you?” gasped Bavaria in amazement.

“Well, I’m immortal,” said Russ.  “Since I’m a vampire.”

“You’re a vampire?” asked Bavaria.

“Yeah,” said Russ.  “You didn’t know?”

“You never mentioned it.”

“I guess it never came up,” said Russ.

“But if you’re a vampire, how come you can walk around in daylight?”

Suddenly, a dinosaur burst through the wall, shattering stone fragments everywhere.  The weakened Russ just managed to roll out of the way of its stomping, and Bavaria dove for shelter into an alcove.  Lord Explodington aimed a rocket at it, but Russ shouted, “No!  You’ll bring the whole place down.”

“I’m not sure what you expect me to do then,” said Explodington, as the dinosaur slammed him backwards into a wall.  “It certainly doesn’t seem to be one of his considerations.”

“Just burn him,” said Russ.

“That’s barbaric.  I can’t set fire to an animal.”

“You set fire to people!”

“They had it coming.”

“Well, just do something that’s not fire-related.”

“Challenging,” said Explodington, scratching his chin, then ducking just as the dinosaur snapped its jaws at his head.

“Oh for crying out loud,” said Bavaria Schmidt, and jumped up, whipping the dinosaur on the nose.  The angry dinosaur turned and charged him.  The archeologist leapt out of the way at the last minute, and the dinosaur smacked into the wall, knocking itself dizzy.  As it staggered backwards, Explodington wound up with his right arm and punched the dinosaur right in the face.  The creature looked stunned for a minute and fell over, unconscious.

Explodington nodded in approval.  “Moving on,” he said.

They continued into the depths of the temple, coming to an abrupt halt at a narrow bridge going over a wide, bottomless chasm.

“I wonder how stable…” said Russ, reaching out to touch the bridge’s railing.  The entire bridge collapsed and crumbled into the chasm below.  “Well, that answers that.”

“Give me the Shroud,” said Bavaria.

“What?” said Lord Explodington, clutching the artifact.  “Are you joking?”

“I can get across.  I’ll activate the Shroud’s power and then come right back.”

“Well, all right,” said Explodington reluctantly, dropping the Shroud into the archaeologist’s palm.  “But if you break your word, I’ll make sure that Johanna spends a year learning how to play cricket.”

“Do that and I swear to God, I won’t stop hunting you til the day I die,” said Bavaria.  He then turned to the chasm.  Pulling out his whip, he lashed onto a conveniently located hook on the ceiling, and swung across to the other side.

“Did he ever mention what kind of power the Shroud was supposed to unleash?” asked Russ.  “Supposed to unlock some kind of super weapon or something?  Grant magical powers?”

“Hm, I don’t think I remembered to ask,” said Lord Explodington.

“It seems like it would make a difference as to whether he can bring it back to us or whether he can use it from that room to destroy us on the spot.”

“Yes, it does seem to be rather important in retrospect.”

Meanwhile, Bavaria Schmidt had found the central chamber.  It had a domed ceiling, a lot of rubble, a circle of dinosaur statues, and an empty pedestal in the center.  In the pedestal was a small indentation surrounded by what looked like sun rays.  Bavaria placed the Shroud of Turin into the indentation, and it clicked into place.

Without warning, the dinosaur statues came to life and began to attack.  Bavaria barely managed to avoid being trampled by latching his whip onto another conveniently located ceiling hook and swinging up out of the way.  He let the whip release and dropped down onto one of the stone monsters’ backs.  Pulling the whip around the front of its neck, he struggled with the thrashing giant, as it twisted left and right and crashed into another stone dinosaur, shattering it into pieces.  The stone dinosaur had been hollow, and delicious candy came spilling out.

Bavaria leapt from the statue’s back, stuffed all his pockets with candy, snatched the Shroud from the pedestal, and cradling it in both arms, dashed out at full speed, stone monsters chasing him.

When he reached the bridge, he saw Lord Explodington and Russ playing cards.  “Dinosaur… statues… chasing me!” he gasped.

“Throw me the Shroud!” shouted Lord Explodington, throwing down his hand, and saying, as an aside, “Fold.”  He turned back toward the chasm and held out his hands.  “Throw me the Shroud,” he repeated, “and I’ll… probably do something about those dinosaurs.  You probably have my word as an Englishman.”

Bolstered by these strong words, Bavaria Schmidt threw the Shroud of Turin across.  Explodington caught it and put it down.  He then armed a rocket and fired it at the stone monsters just as Bavaria swung back across the gap.  The statues exploded in a shower of stone and candy, shaking the entire temple.

“Now you’ve done it,” said Russ.

“Quickly, the exit!” cried Bavaria.

Scooping up the Shroud of Turin under one arm, Russ ran for the exit, with the other two right behind.  Dinosaur statues of all kinds were coming to life all around the temple, and now they blocked the passageway out.

“No more rockets,” said Russ.  He aimed the Shroud of Turin at the monsters in their path and fired, once, twice, three times.  The statues collapsed, shattering as they hit the ground and spilling candy everywhere.  They bolted ahead through the cleared path, leaping over the rubble and candy, making one mad sprint through the doorway as the entire temple finally shuddered and collapsed under its own weight.

The Shroud of Turin wagged its tail and barked excitedly.

“So, what did you get?” Lord Explodington asked.

Bavaria Schmidt pulled out fistfuls of candy from his pocket and gave them each one.

“Candy?” asked Russ.

“It’s pretty good,” said Bavaria, his mouth full.

They each tried a piece and had to agree.

Returning to the airship, they found Isabel and Johanna chatting amiably over tea and crumpets.  They looked up when the men arrived.

“How did it go?” asked Isabel.

“As well as could be expected,” said Lord Explodington, handing out candy.  “It’s not exactly going to turn the tide of the war, but at least we’re not going home empty handed.”

“By the way,” said Russ.  “You wouldn’t happen to know what a shroud is, would you?”

“It’s a piece of cloth,” said Isabel.

“Oh,” said Russ.  “Well, then none of that many any sense at all.”

This story is wonderful, if 3 months old.

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