meanestbear

The dark forest beckoned.  Sandra could sense there was something wrong in that dense tangle of twisted, shriveled trees, but there was no other way ahead.

“They say it’s cursed,” said Gordon, his powerful frame shuddering as he looked into the woods.

“What are you scared of a forest for?” asked Sandra.  “Aren’t you a lumberjack?”

“I’ve cut down many a tree in my time,” said Gordon.  “Many a tree in my nineteen years of life as a humble but good-natured son of lumberjacks, dwelling in obscurity despite my great strength and tree-chopping skill.  But this forest is full of magic, and I don’t know anything about magic.  Despite my strong motivation to continue on this path and achieve a great task that will win me the hand of Princess Heather, who, as I mentioned earlier when we met, I am in love with and hope to marry despite being far below her station, hence leading me to join you on your journey, I have a terrible foreboding about this place.”

“What about you, Kenneth?” asked Sandra, turning to the polar bear beside her.

“Well,” said Kenneth, “as a talking polar bear, and an atheist, traveling with you to provide a sounding board for the author’s views on religion, and to fill out the talking animal slot, I have to say I never much believed in magic.”

“Not even when we fought that wizard and he burned all your fur off?” asked Tim the talking otter in disbelief.

“Swamp gas,” said Kenneth dismissively.  “Anyway, I don’t expect anything logical out of you, as you are a believer in religion, simply here to provide a counterpoint so that our points on religion can be made in dialogue form, which will make it come across much more subtly than a simple monologue.  Why another talking animal was required, I don’t know.  That seems a little gratuitious.”

“We’re wasting time!” declared Brandon impatiently, as he raised his hockey stick in the air.  “Every moment we stand here chattering is a moment that my people, in the frozen north, where I came down from earlier on a journey to look for help, are suffering.  If you recall, you agreed to help me free them since we share a common enemy in the King of Quebec, and we set off on this journey which we are now on.  So let’s press forward.”  He pointed his hockey stick toward the forest.  “Curse or no curse, that forest won’t stop us.”

“Brave words, hockey magician,” said Gordon warily.  “Let us hope they do not come back to haunt us.”

Slowly, the group moved forward into the forest.  The trees were densely tangled, and almost all light was cut off.  Brandon tapped the bottom of his hockey stick on the ground, and a dim glow appeared at the tip.

“Swamp gas,” said Kenneth with a yawn.

Other than the sound of their own footsteps, the forest was silent.  The path continued generally north, weaving its way through the trees in serpentine fashion, never allowing them to see more than a few yards, or “meters”, ahead.

Suddenly, they were all kidnapped.

They were taken, bound and gagged, to an underground city deep within the heart of the forest.  The city was circular and centered around an austere and forbidding structure, a steeply-roofed building with a needle-thin spire and a cell-like pattern of blue stained glass on either side of the roof.  It looked like an evil cathedral, which was about the look the architect had been going for.

Their captors seemed to be humans, extremely pale skinned, even for Canadians, all wearing dark blue robes with a strange insignia on the collar clasp.

“Oh my God,” whispered Kenneth in horror.  “Religious people.”

“Quiet, you!” snapped a stern looking older man who seemed to be in charge of their group.  He slapped the polar bear in the face.  “We’ll see how saucy you are when the High Priest is done with you.  Bring them to the Cathedral.”

They were carried to the Cathedral and dumped on the floor.  The pews were filled with worshippers, and some kind of ceremony seemed to be starting.  At the altar, there was a man wearing robes like the others, only fancier, and with a large hat.  He looked sort of like a Pope, but of course he wasn’t the actual Pope because his robes were blue and black instead of white.  But it was pretty clear he was supposed to represent the Pope.

A disciple knelt before him, facing the priest and away from everyone else.  “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away,” the High Priest intoned solemnly, and then reached out and whisked his hand past the disciple’s face with a lightning motion.  He held up his fist triumphantly.  “I’ve got your nose!”  Indeed, a little pink thing seemed to poke out of the closed fist.  “Children!  I have his nose!”

“My nose!” screamed the disciple.

The crowd gasped and cheered.  Some fainted.  “A prophet!” someone called out.  “He is a prophet!”

“The Good Lord is generous,” said the priest, and whisked his hand passed the disciple’s face, opening it to show he no longer had the nose.  “I return to you your nose!”  He then yanked the disciple to his feet and turned him around to face everyone.  He certainly had a nose.

“A miracle!” cried someone in the pews.

“The Nose-Taker!” shouted another.  “All hail High Priest Macdonald, the Prophet, the Nose-Taker!”

“I can’t figure out how he did it,” whispered Kenneth, “but I’m sure it’s just a parlor trick.”

“High Priest!” cried one of their captors.  “We have prisoners!  Intruders!”

“Ah,” said the High Priest, smiling a fake kindly smile because he was a big hypocrite.  “Welcome visitors.  Are you of our faith?”

“What exactly is your faith?” asked Brandon suspiciously.

“We are the Church of the Great Squid,” said the High Priest.

“I think it’s safe to say no then,” said Sandra.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll come around,” said the High Priest.  “After a few months in the dungeon.  Take them away.”

Once they had all been safely locked away in a cell, Kenneth waved his paw toward their jailors.  “You see?” he said.  “This is what religion does to people.”

“That’s not true,” said Tim.  “As an observant otter, I have to object to that.  No one in my otter church has ever gone around locking people up.”

“Well, you’re an exception,” said Kenneth dismissively.  “But look at these people.  That’s what religion is normally like.  Religious people just don’t like to think for themselves, so they’ll just believe anything an authority figure tells them, no matter how dumb.  I bet if your otter pastor told you to jump off a cliff, you’d do it.”

“No I wouldn’t,” said Tim.  “Who the hell would do that?”

“You would,” said Kenneth, “because you’re religious.  Anyway, look at these people.  All that High Priest had to do was pretend to pull off someone’s nose and they all fall at his feet like it’s a miracle.  See, a critical thinker like me knows there has to be some rational explanation.”

“Well, of course,” said one of the guards, snatching at Kenneth’s nose and pulling away a fist with something pink wriggling in it.

“Hey, that’s not my nose,” said Kenneth.  “That’s your thumb!”

“Sharp,” said the other guard.

“Seriously, you’d have to be pretty dumb to devote your whole life to following someone because of the got-your-nose trick,” said the first guard.  “That would be pretty damn sad.”

“But all those people in there were cheering,” said Kenneth.

“Yeah, you guys walked in on the afternoon service for the mentally retarded,” said the second guard.  “During the regular ones he mostly talks.”

“Well, then, how does he convince the rest of you to follow this made-up religion?” asked Kenneth.

“Made-up?” said the first guard.

“Yes, you worship a… great squid of all things.  A rational mind such as yours must reject that as ridiculous.”

“Aren’t you a talking polar bear?” said the guard.

Kenneth frowned.

“Look, what do we have to do to get out of here?” asked Sandra.  “I have to save my friends.”

“The High Priest has said that you aren’t to be released until you all agree to join the faith.”

Suddenly, a team of camouflage clad commandos burst through the dungeon, firing left and right.  The guards were taken by surprise but fired back as best as they could, though badly outnumbered.

“What was your crime?” asked the commando leader, looking through the bars at them.

“Not joining their religion I think,” said Sandra.

“You don’t say!” said the commando leader, pleasantly surprised.  “You’re atheists too?”

“Well…” began the otter.

“Come with us!” said the commando leader, and they were freed and dragged off to some other unknown destination.

“I’m so glad you’ve arrived,” he later explained to them at the commando base’s mess hall.  “Our numbers have dwindled greatly in the fight against those religious bastards.  Once upon a time we all lived peacefully in this forest, minding our own business, until one day, someone placed a ‘curse’ - although I’m sure there’s a perfectly scientific explanation - on this place.  Since then, we’ve been fighting endlessly.”

“What was the nature of the curse?” asked Brandon.

“I think it’s pretty obvious,” said the commando leader.  “Religion.  Half the people took off for some reason and started blindly following that High Priest and worshipping some squid.  The only people still sane are us, people who aren’t afraid to think for themselves and do their own thing.  Here we live free, saying what we want, dressing how we want.  Oh, you’ll want to get rid of those blue jeans.  We’ll get you another pair of pants.”

“What?” said Gordon, grabbing his jeans.

“They’re blue,” explained the commando leader.  “All those religious conformists wear blue.  You should wear what you want, not what they make you wear.”

“I want to wear these jeans, thank you,” said Gordon.

“What if they changed their robe color to green tomorrow?” asked Kenneth.

“Well, then we’d have to stop wearing green,” said the commando leader.  “See, we’re not slaves to dress codes like them.  We like to show that we’re free to be ourselves.”

“So every time they change their dress codes, it makes you change yours?” asked Kenneth.

“Yes, it’s a gesture to prove our independence,” said the commando leader.  “Anyway, they’re quite insane.  They wouldn’t tolerate the slightest disagreement, and put people in jail, or worse, for not buying in to their religion.  Some of their worst critics just mysteriously disappeared.  Well, that’s religion for you.”

“That’s not religion, that’s just being a jerk,” said Tim.

“Of course it’s religion,” said the commando leader.  “Religious people can’t understand the concept of letting all ideas be shared freely, even if people disagree.  Ideas don’t hurt anybody.  People are smart enough to think for themselves.  If you really believe your point of view is right, then people will see the evidence and figure it out.  Shutting people up for saying anything different just means you’re afraid.”

“But those people would be jerks no matter what they believed.  As an observant otter, my religion actually makes me try to be nicer, since I try to follow the Otter Commandments, such as, ‘You otter not kill’ and ‘You otter not steal’ and ‘You otter honor your father and mother’.  And there’s plenty of jerk otters that say they’re religious but don’t follow the -”

“QUIET!” roared the commando leader, rising to his feet and aiming a gun at Tim.  “Quiet!  Not another word.”

“Wait, what?” said Kenneth.

“Do you have something against puns?” asked Brandon.

“He’s pushing beliefs on me!” said the commando leader.  “We can’t let that happen.”

“I thought you said that ideas don’t hurt anybody,” said Sandra.

“I meant logical ideas!” said the commando leader.  “Not dangerous ones.  Religious ideas are different.  When people talk about correct ideas, it’s just sharing what you think and letting them make up their minds.  When people talk about religious ideas, it’s people pushing beliefs on you, and you suddenly lose the power to make up your mind.  It’s brainwashing.  It turns other people religious, and it just spreads!  Then we’ll all be under the curse.  We’ll be done for!”

“Are you going to kill Tim?” asked Sandra.

“No, of course not,” said the commando leader.  “We’re not like them.”  He called to a guard.  “Have this otter gagged and taken to the brig.  Let no one talk to him.”  As Tim was taken away, the commando leader paced back and forth.  “How did we let this happen?  It was so close.”

“Are you ever going to let Tim out?” asked Sandra.

“Maybe if he agrees to stop talking about religion,” said the commando leader.

Sandra and her companions went to see the otter.  They were allowed inside the cell, and the guards plugged their ears as they removed Tim’s gag.

“They said they’ll let you go free,” said Sandra, “if you agree to not talk about religion.”

“Why the hell should I have to?” asked Tim angrily.

“Well, you shouldn’t,” said Sandra, “but could you say you’re not going to?”

“It’s against my principles,” said Tim, folding his adorable little forepaws.

“That’s the problem with religion,” said Kenneth.  “Too many principles.”

“You have principles too,” snapped Tim.

“You take that back!” roared the bear.

Sandra sighed.  She went back to the commando leader.

“Well?” he said.

“No deal,” said Sandra.

“Typical religious person.”

“Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Well…” said the commando leader, “how about this.  We’re planning an assault on the Cathedral and hoping to take out the High Priest.  Hopefully that’ll put a stop to this squid church, or at least slow them down a bit.  If you folks assist us on the attack, we’ll let you and your friend head out of the forest unharmed, on the condition that you keep his gag on until you reach the edge of the forest.”

“Fine,” said Sandra.  “When are we going?”

“Right now!” said the commando leader.  He seemed like a very spontaneous guy.  “Men!  We attack!”

The mess hall roared.

Sandra gathered up her friends and they armed themselves for the fight.  They followed the atheist commandos charging down the well-worn forest path until they emerged once more in the clearing.  They ran down the path to the underground city, and broke into a full-speed run, charging at the Cathedral, bowling aside surprised disciples in their path.  The forces split into three, and the main body charged in the front door just in time to see the glass smash in from both sides as the other two wings crashed in.

The High Priest was floating about thirty feet in mid-air, surrounded by a glowing blue light.  The entire Cathedral was bathed in an unpleasant hum, and tendrils of something dark, moving like smoke but blacker and more oily, were creeping towards him from all sides of the cathedral, consolidating about him in a whirling vortex.

“Swamp gas,” said Kenneth.

The High Priest laughed, a strange echoing laugh.  “You should have known better than to come back, fools.  You rejected my mercy.  Now you will taste wrath!”

Shadowy tentacles exploded out of the High Priest, whose mortal shell shattered to reveal a large squid of shadow and glowing blue energy.  The tentacles tapped into all the surrounding followers, who also exploded and turned into mini-squids of the same nature.

“Hm, that’s quite the twist,” said the commando leader.

The commandos began to fire.  Sandra drew her sword and leapt at the nearest squid, impaling it from above.  Gordon charged in, hacking with his axe.  Brandon raised his hockey stick and began to incant, launching a punishing storm of pucks before him.  Kenneth brutally mauled one of the squids, and Tim covered it with mildly annoying bites.

As the commando leader emptied a clip at the main squid, to no avail, he shouted in distress, “I don’t even know what this is supposed to symbolize anymore!”  One of the great squid’s tentacles wrapped around him and began to pull him away, but Gordon chopped clean through it, and the writhing tentacle end dropped to the ground, releasing its captive.

“You’ve got to get out of here,” said the commando leader, struggling to his feet.  “Get help.  We can’t take it on our own.”

“But-” said Sandra.

“I’ve got to stay with my men,” he said.  “Go!  We’ll hold them off.  Tell them… squid must be destroyed…”

Finishing off one last squid, Sandra reluctantly turned away.  They ran out of the Cathedral, up the tunnel, and back into the forest again.  About a hundred yards later, they emerged into sunlight.

“Well,” said Kenneth, as they all caught their breath, “I think we all learned a valuable lesson.  But I’m not sure what it is.”

“Me either,” said Tim.

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